every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
