I want to have your abortion
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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