I can tuck mytits in my pants
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
