There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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