is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize