Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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