For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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