so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
40s are totally the cure
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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