I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
