Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
