last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Is it because I queefed?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
