her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
