My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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