"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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