I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
