There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
