Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
