Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
