My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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