If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
