you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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