Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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