So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
