i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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