the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
