Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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