there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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