why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
