fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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