got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
