i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
