apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
