I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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