Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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