Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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