I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I can feel your judgement through the phone
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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