The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
