Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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