mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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