one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
