Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize