Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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