Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
