I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
