My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
