where am i from again
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
