i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
