You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
