What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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