Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
