Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I feel like death gave me a hand job
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
BRING THE BAGELS
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
