plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
