you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
