I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
