I just cut my nipple shaving
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
