this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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