What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You need Xanax blowdarts
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize