i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
