I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I CAN MOONWALK!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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