There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
